she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
