I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The adults are the big ones right?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
