She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
