Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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