dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
