ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
