Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
