I'm so fucking centered right now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
