remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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