u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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