Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
