My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
