Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
