Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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