I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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