My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
