Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
