Your face is a jimmy john
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
