Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
