Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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