I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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