Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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