How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
