life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
