you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
