Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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