dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
