some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
