Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
