You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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