Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
