just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
