Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
