I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
