yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
