so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
