Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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