Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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