Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
