No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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