I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
