the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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