it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Small penises have feelings too.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
