Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
