Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
