Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
