so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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