i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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