my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
