he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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