I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
