I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
