I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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